Before anything else, I’ve added a new page! It will focus on the trips I’ve gone on for the past year, and maybe the years to follow too. Please check out the trips page, and hopefully it can help you when you do want to go and visit the places I’ve been to!:)
I’ve racked my brain and heart in finding the right inspiration for my next post here on 365. I know there are so many topics I could blog about, but to find a certain topic that I am ready and would love to write about is a bit difficult. As many of you know, I write every other two weeks or so. I find that blogging or writing for me can be a bit of a struggle. I am an aspiring blogger/writer/whatever you call it, but I am not one of those talented writers/bloggers that can write/blog about anything under the sun with just a snap of a finger. Shakespeare, Virginia Woolf, and Jane Austen; I am definitely not.
I do envy them somehow, and wish I could be more like that.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
The only constant thing in life is change. Most often than not, we reject the thoughts and actions of it due to the consequences that come with change. Needless to say, humans would rather have their safety blankets wrapped around them, than be exposed to the unforeseen events life gives them.
It’s been a month since I last wrote about my experiences. What can I say? Numerable events fell upon my lap and I’m still getting some more. Up till now, I’m a bit shocked and have recently started feeling good about it. This year, as all of you know, has put me through a roller-coaster ride and I’m so ready to get off. Apparently, it is not through with me yet.
I actually thought a month before that I’ve gone through so much and have already started to heal. Once again, I was wrong. Where do I even start explaining? Like what a really good friend has told me, I should start from the start; that’s where the healing and acceptance begins.
Originally, my next post was supposed to be about hypocrisy. You see, I started feeling like I was a hypocrite. There I was expressing my belief in letting him and everything that happened go; but apparently, I was still holding on. Yes, I’ve accepted the, “us,” I loved was no longer something that could happen. But, I couldn’t seem to let go of my love for him. There were days when I couldn’t shrug the feeling off, and I would be weak because of that. I was more mad at myself because I was letting someone else and my feelings get the best of me. I really admire the people who can just let it go with a snap of a finger. Due to the fact that I’m a sniveling sentimental and emotional person, it takes me longer than a snap of a finger to shrug it all off. What did I do? I finally made sure we had a clean break. In the end, I found myself starting to be okay, again. Little did I know, I would find myself in the middle of another test.
What do you do when you constantly hear rumors of your ex getting back on the dating horse? Of course, it breaks your heart. I know mine broke again for the nth time. I’m not proud of it, but it threw me off of my healing path. It had to stop. I was back again to an emotional state, which of course, did not do me good. It had to take a cousin of mine to get mad and tell me straight out that this is stupidity all over again. Just be happy for the ex; fix and love myself; and then move on.
Tried that, succeeded and chanced upon some honest to goodness realizations while I was in it. Now darlings, that wasn’t the end of it. Who would’ve guessed, a large bomb was suddenly dropped on me this past week. The ex has found somewhat what he has been looking for. According to him, it’s me that he wants and needs to have by his side from now until God knows when. Now, he’s back. No, we’re not together. He’s just there.. proving and showing that he’s serious about this and really sees me in his future.
I know I should be happy, heck, my wish came true. Surprisingly, I’m not jumping on to that particular bandwagon. I’m watching from afar, debating with my mind and heart whether I should go on or not. One thing I am sure of is, I’m putting myself first in everything.
Now, it would’ve been nice if this was all about just love. Mother Change is not making it easy for me. Professionally and physically, I was given a couple of changes. Somehow, everything just piled up. I lost track of time, myself, and friends.
Through all of this, I sincerely do believe and understand now that God has reasons that we could not and cannot even define or understand. Changes are tests, or examinations of our own self. Change is scary most of the time, however, change makes us stronger and better people at the end of the day. Who isn’t scared of changes? I know, I’m scared of it. However, if it’s the cure to being a stronger and more mature person… I say, “Bring It On.”
For the past month, I’ve been reading Catherine’s blog. It definitely has helped me and has made me see the other side of the situation I’m in. On one of her posts, she shared a passage she got from another blog.. I have to say, I fell in love with this passage, and would like to share it with you guys.
“I believed in her right from the first night I met her, in May, in a small café under the chestnut trees. Beautiful and romantic. Only she never fell in love with me. I was desperately in love with her. It’s a strange thing, how you can love somebody, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them–and they simply don’t need you. That’s all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. And they’ll be the same way with someone else, and someone else will be the same way about you and it goes on and on–this desperate need–and only once in a rare million do the same two people need each other.”–The Small Rain, by Madeleine L’Engle
Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name
What would I do if I didn’t have my trusty collection of songs that I have fallen in love with in my 25 years of existence?
I would probably be the same, but less exciting and a lot more boring. 🙂
I was always attached to my iPod during college, even when I took the boards, trust assured I would have it with me. It was still alive this old thing that had gone through the highs and lows that I experienced in life until I started working for Marie France. Due to someone’s sticky fingers, I lost my most treasured companion. I was very sad to lose Derby (yes, it had a name). It felt as if I lost a relationship with my best friend. Aside from my most treasured songs, there were pictures in there as well that I could just look through and be reminded of the people I love. Due to the stress of my work then, I couldn’t help but just shrug it off and just go on.
I made do with having a small playlist on my phone, listening to the radio during odd hours, or just playing with my laptop. It wasn’t really the same, but it compensated for losing Derby. It’s good though that during those times I didn’t really have anything to be sad about. I was on a high basically, so what if Derby wasn’t there? I was with the man who I loved at that time, and didn’t really need to listen to songs or find about new ones as well. Downhill.
I’ve learned that in a relationship, one shouldn’t let go of what they loved to do. I lost myself in that relationship, trying to be the best girlfriend to someone… I didn’t sing as much as before, and changed into someone I no longer know. I stopped going to OPM gigs, stopped listening to the radio and stopped updating my songs. I did encounter songs that he liked, which I eventually did like, but it wasn’t the same. Sadly, I only discovered this now.
Music has always been my companion for anything, and everything. Ever since I was young I’ve always been surrounded with songs of love, happiness, family, anger and etc. Thinking about it, it’s because of Music that I learned one of the things I won’t stop doing, and that is to sing. I don’t really remember a time where my Dad wasn’t singing, or my mom was listening to the radio. If no one was singing, it was most probably because, my dad decided to play classical music on the radio.
Growing up was easier because for everything that I went through the greatest songwriters in this world had a song that accompanied me through it. It was like a rebuttal of each trivial thing that life gives you.
Before we broke up, he gave me an iPod as a Christmas gift. I was over the moon with happiness, because aside from the games I would get to play (yes, I’m a gamer), I was given the chance to rebuild my collection again. At the start it was hard, I didn’t have a backup of my old collection, and had to basically try to remember every song and genre that I loved. Lesson in life, one should always have backups! So at the start, it was the newest pop, hiphop, some Pearl Jam and house music. We eventually broke up (duh), and even if I loved that iPod, I had to get rid of it. Weirdly enough, there were so many memories created with that, and I had to let go of it.
I’ve upgraded the iPod to an iPhone, and it has been so much easier. Do I have a name for it? Not yet. 🙂
It is such a relief now to listen to the things that I like and that I no longer have to remember things I’d rather forget. I also get to create new memories which make things even better. Each month since, I’ve added new and old songs… from 0 GB it has now reached 13 GB–just on music alone. Whenever I feel sad, I allow myself to hear the songs that give me empowerment and lift me up. I still let myself hear sad songs, because I think it makes me stronger to accept things. Methinks, it’s better to face it openly than avoid it altogether.
A couple of friends of mine have debated about which decade brought the best music in our lifetime, for some it was the 80’s, while others strongly believe that it was 90’s; although, for the younger ones, it’s all about the songs produced during 200-2011. For me, I would say it was the 90’s.. but in the end it doesn’t matter. Just like ourselves, music evolves. If it were a tree, there would be so many differences that you’d see it in its trunk, leaves, and roots. It adapts to the world now.
What’s my current playlist now? There’s a lot of it but I’ll put in the most played songs I have:
Erika David- Fall for your type
Imogen Heap- Speeding Cars
Sonique- It Feels So Good (Breakbeat Edit)
Barbara Streisand- What Kind of Fool
Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera- Moves Like Jagger
Bobby Valentino- Anonymous
Amy Kuney- Hope A Little Harder
Empire of the Sun- Walking on A Dream
Goo Goo Dolls- Slide
India Arie- Heart of The Matter
Madonna- Miles Away
Pitbull, Ne-yo & Afrojack- Give Me Everything
Kings of Leon- Sex On Fire
The Smiths- Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I want
Alanis Morissette- You Learn
Bamboo- Much Has Been Said
The Out of Body Special- Give It
Daft Punk- Something About Us
I’m thankful for this time because I’m able to fall in love with one of my first loves again. I get to rekindle my relationship with a long, lost friend. I fell in love with you ever since I was born. I’m never letting you go again. ♥
Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
When a person gets out of a relationship, they suddenly realize that they were dumped with a lot of time on their hands. They keep on wishing that time was fast-forwarded to the future, when they would no longer think of what to do with all the ample time on their hands. I distinctly remember feeling that way, and I’m sure a lot of you could relate as well.
Well, I got my wish! Without realizing it, my weekends are booked till Lord knows when, and my weekdays are thrown into work-related activities. I cannot even begin to fathom how I got myself into this schedule. Well, I lie. Of course I know how I got myself into this. I wanted to forget and not pine for him. The Lord is extremely kind, because everything has fallen into place. Everything is a bit easier now.
I can’t help but want to rest as well though. Sometimes, I find myself emotionally and physically so tired from all the activities I make myself do, because just one moment that I give myself to think… I find everything going.. KABOOM! (Apology inserted here) My extreme apologies to family and friends that I’ve promised for certain activities, and ended up being a no-show. It’s not intended, I promise. I can prove that my 27-year-old body is no longer the same as my 22-year-old body. I get tired. 🙂
So moving on and forward to the coming months, next thing I know, this blog would have reached a year already! I’ve realized that aside from making myself busy with the people I love, I’ve also pushed myself into things I normally wouldn’t have done a year ago. I am starting a business with my friends, going out of the country, going to a province I haven’t been in the Philippines, started exercising again… If this isn’t getting to know myself, then I really don’t know what is. I’ve also opened myself up to more people, considered meeting new people and just being a better person.
I don’t want to be numb anymore. I’ve been numb for a couple of months already, and I think, it’s about time that I say, “Enough is enough.” It’s never going to go away, this love that I have for him, but I think I need to stop letting people who have bad intentions near me, and it’s sad that he’s a part of that group. So goodbye to those who pretend to be friends but they actually just need things, goodbye to those who want to be friends just to know more news, and goodbye to people who think I’m an easy catch since I’m in a vulnerable state.
I deserve better, I know that I deserve to be happy. I’m no longer letting anyone get in my way to stop me from being so.
I’ve avoided this blog which didn’t really make sense as this was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. Then I realized that avoiding and shrugging all of this, isn’t really moving on. Facing the pain and accepting it, no matter how hard it pushes and slaps you in the face, is moving on.
Funny how we’re so ready to pretend that everything’s fine and we’re all okay, when we’re really not. Then again, life is about making mistakes and being ready to accept any changes that life brings you.
A friend of mine had said that it’s all about tricking the mind into thinking that you’re okay. If you keep on doing that, it would eventually work out — next thing you know, you’d be surprised to wake up and actually feel okay. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing that or was I finally, really, okay? How would I even react to the answer of all those questions? Honestly, I think that there were some tricks involved, but I also allowed myself to feel the pain. I guess, for you to really move on, you do a little of both. You decide to be real to yourself and you decide to trick yourself at the same time. It definitely sounds contradicting, but if you trick yourself with positive thoughts, you end up with positive results… right? I guess, it’s really up to the person on what they decide to do. What I know is that I no longer want to feel down about this. I don’t deserve this.
There was a time when I thought about moving on to another relationship. Some friends have this idea that for you to be truly over someone is to get a new partner, invest yourself in a new situation–that’s never been me though. I don’t even think that’s healthy. I did try, but I couldn’t fool myself. I guess I’m just grateful that there are still guys out there who are mature enough to understand and give you the respect that you need. I just feel better knowing that I’m coming out of this more maturely than I thought I could ever be.
There are times when it gets difficult, but it really isn’t as bad as how it used to be. I have my friends, family–it’s crazy how everything has fallen into place. I have been given the time to renew my relationship with my friends, family, and loved ones. I’ve most especially been given a chance to start a relationship anew with myself and my Lord.
I’ve realized that when I started this blog, I immediately placed a deadline of a year. I listed things I should do, just so I would eventually be okay. Without me knowing, I’ve almost done everything on my list and have things planned for the latter part of the year. I don’t think I’ve been out-of-town so much ever since… EVER. There’s so many things to look forward to… and I’m really happy for that… I don’t even think I can give up this blog or even blogging again.
It’s all about being self-sufficient now. Mom’s no longer there to put a band-aid over my heart. I have to tend to my own wounds now, and I’ve got to say, I’m so happy that I’ve gotten way better with that.
“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous”— Carrie Bradshaw