Day 198: On Living Alone.

The Philippines is one of the many countries wherein you’ll find grown adults living with their parents. It’s no surprise when even married folk could and would still live with their parents, siblings and other family members. We, Filipinos, are proud of the fact that we have close family ties.

However, as time moves on, people start going through changes. Many Filipino young adults now have started living alone and on their own. Honestly, it takes a lot of courage to go through this. There are some who live on their own and still rely on their parents. Whereas some, solely rely on their hard earnings and savings.

My Mom's side of the Family

When I decided to move out of my aunt’s house, I was still with the ex then. We were doing great at that time, and he even helped me with the essentials. We cleaned up the place, placed everything in their perspective places.. and when I would need help, I’d usually wait for him to arrive.  Everything that was needed to be done was divided into two. He, being the man, had the luck of doing everything that was heavy and required lots of work and muscle. I, of course, did the dainty things and didn’t really worry about it.

When he left, I had to get used to not having a man around. When I needed help with heavy things, I’d just leave it be and find another way on how I could get through it. I was very sad with how things were. Not only did I feel so weak, but of all times when I hated men, I realized how much I needed them. You can only cry so much and let yourself be down… Enough is enough.

For the past months, I’ve started doing things on my own. My room looks totally different from how the ex and I, moved things in. I was able to move my bed and the tv stand all by myself. I’ve cooked and baked up a storm with my friend Mylor. I’m now thinking of repainting my walls to a different color, and possibly adding other stuff to my house.

Looking back, I know that I’m in a really different place now. When I started living alone, I had him to rely on and run to which changed when we broke up. Now, I just have myself and it feels so much better. It definitely feels good to be more independent!

To be honest, it gets lonely sometimes with how quiet it could be around me, and I wish that I could just call like before and he would be there with me. It was definitely difficult when the breakup was still new, but,  I’ve learned to embrace the solitude and have learned to appreciate it and make it work with my situation now. A midst the busy world we are in, a little isolation isn’t too bad.

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Day 147: Look how far we’ve gone.

When a person gets out of a relationship, they suddenly realize that they were dumped with a lot of time on their hands. They keep on wishing that time was fast-forwarded to the future, when they would no longer think of what to do with all the ample time on their hands. I distinctly remember feeling that way, and I’m sure a lot of you could relate as well.

Well, I got my wish! Without realizing it, my weekends are booked till Lord knows when, and my weekdays are thrown into work-related activities. I cannot even begin to fathom how I got myself into this schedule. Well, I lie. Of course I know how I got myself into this. I wanted to forget and not pine for him. The Lord is extremely kind, because everything has fallen into place. Everything is a bit easier now.

I can’t help but want to rest as well though. Sometimes, I find myself emotionally and physically so tired from all the activities I make myself do, because just one moment that I give myself to think… I find everything going.. KABOOM! (Apology inserted here) My extreme apologies to family and friends that I’ve promised for certain activities, and ended up being a no-show. It’s not intended, I promise. I can prove that my 27-year-old body is no longer the same as my 22-year-old body. I get tired. 🙂

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So moving on and forward to the coming months, next thing I know, this blog would have reached a year already!  I’ve realized that aside from making myself busy with the people I love, I’ve also pushed myself into things I normally wouldn’t have done a year ago. I am starting a business with my friends, going out of the country, going to a province I haven’t been in the Philippines, started exercising again… If this isn’t getting to know myself, then I really don’t know what is. I’ve also opened myself up to more people, considered meeting new people and just being a better person.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. I’ve been numb for a couple of months already, and I think, it’s about time that I say, “Enough is enough.” It’s never going to go away, this love that I have for him, but I think I need to stop letting people who have bad intentions near me, and it’s sad that he’s a part of that group. So goodbye to those who pretend to be friends but they actually just need things, goodbye to those who want to be friends just to know more news, and goodbye to people who think I’m an easy catch since I’m in a vulnerable state.

I deserve better, I know that I deserve to be happy. I’m no longer letting anyone get in my way to stop me from being so.

Day 132: The juices flow again.

Night at the beach.

I’ve avoided this blog which didn’t really make sense as this was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. Then I realized that avoiding and shrugging all of this, isn’t really moving on. Facing the pain and accepting it, no matter how hard it pushes and slaps you in the face, is moving on.

Funny how we’re so ready to pretend that everything’s fine and we’re all okay, when we’re really not. Then again, life is about making mistakes and being ready to accept any changes that life brings you.

A friend of mine had said that it’s all about tricking the mind into thinking that you’re okay. If you keep on doing that, it would eventually work out — next thing you know, you’d be surprised to wake up and actually feel okay. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing that or was I finally, really, okay? How would I even react to the answer of all those questions? Honestly, I think that there were some tricks involved, but I also allowed myself to feel the pain. I guess, for you to really move on, you do a little of both. You decide to be real to yourself and you decide to trick yourself at the same time. It definitely sounds contradicting, but if you trick yourself with positive thoughts, you end up with positive results… right? I guess, it’s really up to the person on what they decide to do. What I know is that I no longer want to feel down about this. I don’t deserve this.

There was a time when I thought about moving on to another relationship. Some friends have this idea that for you to be truly over someone is to get a new partner, invest yourself in a new situation–that’s never been me though. I don’t even think that’s healthy. I did try, but I couldn’t fool myself. I guess I’m just grateful that there are still guys out there who are mature enough to understand and give you the respect that you need. I just feel better knowing that I’m coming out of this more maturely than I thought I could ever be.

There are times when it gets difficult, but it really isn’t as bad as how it used to be. I have my friends, family–it’s crazy how everything has fallen into place. I have been given the time to renew my relationship with my friends, family, and loved ones. I’ve most especially been given a chance to start a relationship anew with myself and my Lord.

I’ve realized that when I started this blog, I immediately placed a deadline of a year. I listed things I should do, just so I would eventually be okay. Without me knowing, I’ve almost done everything on my list and have things planned for the latter part of the year. I don’t think I’ve been out-of-town so much ever since… EVER. There’s so many things to look forward to… and I’m really happy for that… I don’t even think I can give up this blog or even blogging again.

It’s all about being self-sufficient now. Mom’s no longer there to put a band-aid over my heart. I have to tend to my own wounds now, and I’ve got to say, I’m so happy that I’ve gotten way better with that.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous”— Carrie Bradshaw