Day 165: Music was my refuge.♥

Love for music means trying out to be a DJ?:))

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

What would I do if I didn’t have my trusty collection of songs that I have fallen in love with in my 25 years of existence?

I would probably be the same, but less exciting and a lot more boring. 🙂

I was always attached to my iPod during college, even when I took the boards, trust assured I would have it with me. It was still alive this old thing that had gone through the highs and lows that I experienced in life until I started working for Marie France. Due to someone’s sticky fingers, I lost my most treasured companion. I was very sad to lose Derby (yes, it had a name). It felt as if I lost a relationship with my best friend. Aside from my most treasured songs, there were pictures in there as well that I could just look through and be reminded of the people I love. Due to the stress of my work then, I couldn’t help but just shrug it off and just go on.

I made do with having a small playlist on my phone, listening to the radio during odd hours, or just playing with my laptop. It wasn’t really the same, but it compensated for losing Derby. It’s good though that during those times I didn’t really have anything to be sad about. I was on a high basically, so what if Derby wasn’t there? I was with the man who I loved at that time, and didn’t really need to listen to songs or find about new ones as well. Downhill.

I’ve learned that in a relationship, one shouldn’t let go of what they loved to do. I lost myself in that relationship, trying to be the best girlfriend to someone… I didn’t sing as much as before, and changed into someone I no longer know. I stopped going to OPM gigs, stopped listening to the radio and stopped updating my songs. I did encounter songs that he liked, which I eventually did like, but it wasn’t the same. Sadly, I only discovered this now.

Music has always been my companion for anything, and everything. Ever since I was young I’ve always been surrounded with songs of love, happiness, family, anger and etc. Thinking about it, it’s because of Music that I learned one of the things I won’t stop doing, and that is to sing. I don’t really remember a time where my Dad wasn’t singing, or my mom was listening to the radio. If no one was singing, it was most probably because, my dad decided to play classical music on the radio.

Jologs Fan Girl Moment with Louie Ocampo.. One of the best Philippine composers and arrangers.♥

Growing up was easier because for everything that I went through the greatest songwriters in this world had a song that accompanied me through it. It was like a rebuttal of each trivial thing that life gives you.

Before we broke up, he gave me an iPod as a Christmas gift. I was over the moon with happiness, because aside from the games I would get to play (yes, I’m a gamer), I was given the chance to rebuild my collection again. At the start it was hard, I didn’t have a backup of my old collection, and had to basically try to remember every song and genre that I loved. Lesson in life, one should always have backups! So at the start, it was the newest pop, hiphop, some Pearl Jam and house music. We eventually broke up (duh), and even if I loved that iPod, I had to get rid of it. Weirdly enough, there were so many memories created with that, and I had to let go of it.

I’ve upgraded the iPod to an iPhone, and it has been so much easier. Do I have a name for it? Not yet. 🙂

It is such a relief now to listen to the things that I like and that I no longer have to remember things I’d rather forget. I also get to create new memories which make things even better. Each month since, I’ve added new and old songs… from 0 GB it has now reached 13 GB–just on music alone. Whenever I feel sad, I allow myself to hear the songs that give me empowerment and lift me up. I still let myself hear sad songs, because I think it makes me stronger to accept things. Methinks, it’s better to face it openly than avoid it altogether.

A couple of friends of mine have debated about which decade brought the best music in our lifetime, for some it was the 80’s, while others strongly believe that it was 90’s; although, for the younger ones, it’s all about the songs produced during 200-2011. For me, I would say it was the 90’s.. but in the end it doesn’t matter. Just like ourselves, music evolves. If it were a tree, there would be so many differences that you’d see it in its trunk, leaves, and roots. It adapts to the world now.

What’s my current playlist now? There’s a lot of it but I’ll put in the most played songs I have:

  1. Erika David- Fall for your type
  2. Imogen Heap- Speeding Cars
  3. Anberlin- Inevitable
  4. Sonique- It Feels So Good (Breakbeat Edit)
  5. Barbara Streisand- What Kind of Fool
  6. Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera- Moves Like Jagger
  7. Bobby Valentino- Anonymous
  8. Amy Kuney- Hope A Little Harder
  9. Empire of the Sun- Walking on A Dream
  10. Goo Goo Dolls- Slide
  11. India Arie- Heart of The Matter
  12. Madonna- Miles Away
  13. Pitbull, Ne-yo & Afrojack- Give Me Everything
  14. Kings of Leon- Sex On Fire
  15. Lloyd- Cupid
  16. The Smiths- Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I want
  17. Alanis Morissette- You Learn
  18. Bamboo- Much Has Been Said
  19. The Out of Body Special- Give It
  20. Daft Punk- Something About Us

I’m thankful for this time because I’m able to fall in love with one of my first loves again. I get to rekindle my relationship with a long, lost friend. I fell in love with you ever since I was born. I’m never letting you go again. ♥

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Day 147: Look how far we’ve gone.

When a person gets out of a relationship, they suddenly realize that they were dumped with a lot of time on their hands. They keep on wishing that time was fast-forwarded to the future, when they would no longer think of what to do with all the ample time on their hands. I distinctly remember feeling that way, and I’m sure a lot of you could relate as well.

Well, I got my wish! Without realizing it, my weekends are booked till Lord knows when, and my weekdays are thrown into work-related activities. I cannot even begin to fathom how I got myself into this schedule. Well, I lie. Of course I know how I got myself into this. I wanted to forget and not pine for him. The Lord is extremely kind, because everything has fallen into place. Everything is a bit easier now.

I can’t help but want to rest as well though. Sometimes, I find myself emotionally and physically so tired from all the activities I make myself do, because just one moment that I give myself to think… I find everything going.. KABOOM! (Apology inserted here) My extreme apologies to family and friends that I’ve promised for certain activities, and ended up being a no-show. It’s not intended, I promise. I can prove that my 27-year-old body is no longer the same as my 22-year-old body. I get tired. 🙂

——–

So moving on and forward to the coming months, next thing I know, this blog would have reached a year already!  I’ve realized that aside from making myself busy with the people I love, I’ve also pushed myself into things I normally wouldn’t have done a year ago. I am starting a business with my friends, going out of the country, going to a province I haven’t been in the Philippines, started exercising again… If this isn’t getting to know myself, then I really don’t know what is. I’ve also opened myself up to more people, considered meeting new people and just being a better person.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. I’ve been numb for a couple of months already, and I think, it’s about time that I say, “Enough is enough.” It’s never going to go away, this love that I have for him, but I think I need to stop letting people who have bad intentions near me, and it’s sad that he’s a part of that group. So goodbye to those who pretend to be friends but they actually just need things, goodbye to those who want to be friends just to know more news, and goodbye to people who think I’m an easy catch since I’m in a vulnerable state.

I deserve better, I know that I deserve to be happy. I’m no longer letting anyone get in my way to stop me from being so.

Day 141: Letter to myself.

Dear You,

How long it has been since we’ve last talked. I must say, you’re now 27, and a young woman at that. I last talked to you when you were still 14… Still a girl, but verging on womanhood. You were still experiencing the angst of being a teenager then. I remember you being worried about moving back to the Philippines, and everything that would come along with it. At the time, the things you worried about then were so big, that all you’d do is cry inside. How would you fit in? How would it be living with your Aunt and cousins? How would it be living so far away from your parents and your brother? Who would be there for your brother?

But look at you now, you have survived. You’re 14 years older, have learned and gone through so much. You were able to fit in, and find a good set of friends. You had your ups and downs with your family, but now they’re people you can’t live without. You were able to manage being away from your parents, and your brother… albeit it’s not the perfect relationship. Your brother was able to be the man that he is now.

So where are you now? Yes, I know, you’re going through a rough patch in your life. But hey, you’ve gone through worse, right? I’ve heard you ask yourself, a million times, why you would need to get to know yourself again? You already know yourself, right? Wrong. Life is forever changing, and you, are just a tiny part of that. You weren’t born with a ready set of ideals, attitude and character. You grew into that based on the people around you. Now, think of it as growing up again. It’s a pain, but it’s a must. You must become the woman, God has intended you to be.

Heart-breaks are the norm in an adult’s life… Hopeless romanticism it would be, but there is someone intended for you. Don’t rush, enjoy the gift of life that you have now. Let your heart heal, and don’t close the doors that He has opened for you. It’s a cliché line, but there is so much that the world has to offer for a young woman such as you. You just have to open your heart to it. Eventually, the right person will come along at the right time.

Stay away from negative situations and thoughts. Open yourself to the positiveness of life. Just like what your friend has said, tell yourself at the start of each day, that you deserve to only have positive outcomes in life. Declare that to the universe. Do not even tell yourself, that it is impossible to happen. Do not even let a negative thought come into your mind. With all of that, you will find each day becoming easier to go through, and you will actually look forward to the coming day. Always remember to pray. You must thank the Lord for every morning and night that He has blessed you to see. You must thank Him for blessing you with a good support group and surrounding you with people who genuinely love you.

But if it gets too hard, and you feel that you have to let your emotions out, then do so. Make sure though that you only do it to a certain degree. Do not prolong it, and do not let it stay in your system. Give yourself a few minutes, after which you must stand up and brush it all off.

I’m proud of who you are now, and who you will be. Look at you, who would’ve thought you’d be where you are now? You live alone, manage your bills on a timely manner, even manage your finances correctly and you make sure that you are always safe with the people around you. Remember, you are now grooming yourself for your future. You must grow and let yourself experience everything that life has to offer. You must let yourself be the best woman who you can be, so that when you have your own family, you will have no regrets. The future you, is dependent upon your present self.

Most importantly, make sure that you always, always, always, offer everything up to Him. He is always there for you, and He will never let you down.

Things will be better, just wait. 🙂

Love,

Margaux

p.s. If it helps, listen and sing along to Alanis sing You Learn. That will also help you get through everything. 🙂

 

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Day 132: The juices flow again.

Night at the beach.

I’ve avoided this blog which didn’t really make sense as this was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. Then I realized that avoiding and shrugging all of this, isn’t really moving on. Facing the pain and accepting it, no matter how hard it pushes and slaps you in the face, is moving on.

Funny how we’re so ready to pretend that everything’s fine and we’re all okay, when we’re really not. Then again, life is about making mistakes and being ready to accept any changes that life brings you.

A friend of mine had said that it’s all about tricking the mind into thinking that you’re okay. If you keep on doing that, it would eventually work out — next thing you know, you’d be surprised to wake up and actually feel okay. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing that or was I finally, really, okay? How would I even react to the answer of all those questions? Honestly, I think that there were some tricks involved, but I also allowed myself to feel the pain. I guess, for you to really move on, you do a little of both. You decide to be real to yourself and you decide to trick yourself at the same time. It definitely sounds contradicting, but if you trick yourself with positive thoughts, you end up with positive results… right? I guess, it’s really up to the person on what they decide to do. What I know is that I no longer want to feel down about this. I don’t deserve this.

There was a time when I thought about moving on to another relationship. Some friends have this idea that for you to be truly over someone is to get a new partner, invest yourself in a new situation–that’s never been me though. I don’t even think that’s healthy. I did try, but I couldn’t fool myself. I guess I’m just grateful that there are still guys out there who are mature enough to understand and give you the respect that you need. I just feel better knowing that I’m coming out of this more maturely than I thought I could ever be.

There are times when it gets difficult, but it really isn’t as bad as how it used to be. I have my friends, family–it’s crazy how everything has fallen into place. I have been given the time to renew my relationship with my friends, family, and loved ones. I’ve most especially been given a chance to start a relationship anew with myself and my Lord.

I’ve realized that when I started this blog, I immediately placed a deadline of a year. I listed things I should do, just so I would eventually be okay. Without me knowing, I’ve almost done everything on my list and have things planned for the latter part of the year. I don’t think I’ve been out-of-town so much ever since… EVER. There’s so many things to look forward to… and I’m really happy for that… I don’t even think I can give up this blog or even blogging again.

It’s all about being self-sufficient now. Mom’s no longer there to put a band-aid over my heart. I have to tend to my own wounds now, and I’ve got to say, I’m so happy that I’ve gotten way better with that.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous”— Carrie Bradshaw

Day 88: A second hello. ♥

It’s been a day of surprising things.. heck, not even a day, but a week. I’ve had my share of ups and downs, but the good thing was, the positive overpowered the negative by so much.

I’m actually a bit surprised with all of the positive things that came about. I just remembered my cousin telling me that whenever God closes a door, the roof opens. Of course, we all know that the original saying that it was the window that opened. Excuse the effort of trying to construct a joke. Hehe. I don’t want to start saying that this is the end of that era because I might start eating my words. I’m sincerely hoping that it is. I need to let go of people who don’t know how to treat the people they love, right.

I remembered that I was supposed to backup my Friendster profile, and decided to look around with my testimonials. I super need to put these into justice by posting them here. 🙂

1. Shannel Mariano

— Foxy Gauxy… Her “come-back” to friendster, adding friends, doing her profile and all that, i guess, symbolizes the way she is rebuilding
herself all over again.

Margaux is one of the sweetest things in this crazy world. She always believed in me and Hector. Actually, she even uses the term “SHEX” until now. =)

She’s beautiful and sexy. She fits so well into jeans! She’s one hell of a head turner. She’s so down to earth. You’ll never hear her boast about anything. I know she’s all that, but she doesn’t even know it.

She’s such a happy person. When you’re around her, it’s as if her aura touches you and you end up being happy too. Her happiness is contagious. She’s always there to listen. She may not always be available, but you’d see the effort she puts into being availabe. I find it really sweet. She wasn’t allowed to use the phone when I was pregnant. Even so, she would try her best to call me once a week to
check up on me.

When she falls in love, she loves as if she will never get hurt. And even when she begins to get hurt, she just closes her eyes and continues to love with all her heart. I’ve seen her love and be treated like shit. Actually, I’ve seen her be treated lower than shit. The
whole world pointed out to her the abuse she was openly allowing herself go through. Still, she’d go on loving with all her heart. –A good thing, a bad thing …all I know is that Margaux deserves only the best and nothing less than that.

Margaux allows the people she loves to step all over her and take her for granted. I hate that she allows this. But I guess this is her way to gather strenght. She finds each and every reason to stay. But when she runs out of reasons, she gets over a guy instantly …as if her heart had a switch. When she runs out of reasons, there is no looking back.

I met this wonderful lady back in Highschool. We met when she was in her freshman year. Back then, she was a new student
and all eyes were on her. I was a sophomore. We were with a common friend. I was talking about a problem of mine. Even if she just met me, she listened attentively. Right then and there, I knew that she wasn’t only beautiful on the outside but also on the inside. After that was just cashual chit-chats and hi’s because of the common friend that we had. We got close when she was a junior. We didn’t need our common friend anymore to carry on a conversation. We were a trio back then: Me, Chesca and Margaux. It was the 3 of
us against the world …most of all, against our boyfriends, who were all very good friends. It’s very rare that you find 3 men who are very good friends, who each have girlfriends who end up being good friends. It was CHUGSY, SHEX, and NAUX back then. We would always conspire in the “banyo” and end up getting in sooooooooooo much trouble with the boys. It was tough back then, but we, girls, had each other to fall back on. In the morning, we would always meet up in the “banyo” to do our “kikay” stuff, rant about our boys, cry, comfort each other or just talk. Then, we’d go to the veranda or sit by the steps connecting the 2nd floor (where juniors were) and the 3rd floor (were the seniors were). During lunch and recess we’d be in our usual lunch table near shakey’s and samurai. Come dismissal, we’d be hanging out at the “wall”.

Charlie’s Angels came out that time. We always wanted to watch it together. We even changed the lyrics of the song “Independent Women” by Destiny’s Child. The intro part where they go, “Lucy Liu, and my girl Drew. Cameron D. and Destiny. Charlies Angels, come on.” We made it : “Shannely Liu and my girl Gaux (pronounced as “Goo”), Chesca G. and Destiny. Charlies Angels, come on.”
hahahaha… I miss those days…

I miss Margaux so much. She’s one of the people who I am confident to have a friend in even if we don’t talk for a long time. I guess that’s how highschool friends are. I love you so much, Margaux. Take care of yourself.

–,babylove,–@

Hehehe… Whoohoo! You know what I mean!!! Go Foxy Gauxy!!!

2. Jean Paul Gregorio

–margaux..a person you’ll trully cherish like a cherry..cunning and at the same time mild mannered..she’s one happy girl..she likes to dance and frolic around the park..she’s one heck of a heckler! my favorite bus mate!! kahit may muta muta pa kami nagkukulitan agad..mahal nya si britney..britney tyson..hehe!! napaka pacute..buti nlang cute sha ng konti..mga 26.97% hmm…mahal ko tong
dalaginding na ito! she tends to laugh at father centina a lot..you silly girl you!! hehe!! loko lang..pag nag mahal to..ay grabe..ibibigay lahat kahit hindi sa kanya..tulad ng lucky socks ng bus driver namin..naughty..haha!! mag iisip pa muna ako ng malungkot na testimonial
para maiyak ka!! iyakin!! hehe!! luv yah!!U

3. Prescilla Gonzales

–margaretha isolde, marchigochi, loudspeaker, subwoofer, boombox, dolby/thx surround sound, microphone, megaphone, lahat lahat na!!! haha joke 🙂 ang babaeng bigla nalang naglaho sa friendster.. weird! seriously, margaux has been one of the few TRUEST REALEST friends that i have.. and kahit anong mangyari idedefend nya talaga yung friends nya.. she has always been there for me sa kalokohan, kadramahan, kabastusan (woops! haha).. kahit na madaldal yan, i dunno kung bakit isa sha sa mga sobrang tinutrust ko pero ewan ko lang kung binubulgar din nya yung mga secrets namin.. haha joke lang 🙂 my GSF babe! my cheerleading and dancing partner!!! my gulay si margaux parang pornstar ang dating pag sumayaw!!! hahaha:) what i admire most about margaux is her strength.. cinderella story yata buhay nya! hehehe.. she’s been through a lot of tough sh*t in life (and lovelife! haha) pero smile parin yan and tuloy parin sa
kadaldalan.. pero pag tahimik yan nako, that means grabe na problema nyan. she seldom gets mad or irritated kahit lagi shang inaasar pero pag naasar sha, patay ka ibig sabhin below the belt ka na talaga 🙂 let’s take it slow so slowww.. hahaha. love na love ako ng babaeng to eh, pero mas love ko sha! i miss you panget!!! grabe sooper tgal na kita di nakikita.. oh well.. i hope to see ya soooooon! mwah!:) O nga pala, SI MARGAUX SOBRANG LAKI NG PAA! :p

4. Michelle Nocon

–hmm…what can i say about margaux that she doesn’t already know? i talk to her everyday at school. =P i remember the first time i met margaux, it was the 2nd day of school and i was hung over and sick as a dog. i didn’t want to shake her hand because i didn’t want to
share whatever virus i had. (you know how anal nursing students can be.) she was so bubbly and awake. it was physics and 7:30 in morning! i thought, “good god! is she always this cheerful?” a few days later, she told me she had a crush on me 1st semester when i was a
pt student. i really thought she was weird then! “joke joke joke!” hahaha! it’s already the middle of the semester and she has not calmed down one bit. every day she is still the sunshine in the dreary classroom. margaux always has a smile for me and cracks me up during class. she listens to my complaints about school (especially mr. frodo), and always laughs at my stupid stories about the latest drama going on in my life. she is one of the nicest, sweetest, kindest, and friendliest people i’ve met in my 2 years in the philippines. wise beyond her years, but still a little girl at heart, margaux is always going to be one of my favorite people. she gets me through every day at school, especially when i don’t want to be there. i’m really going to miss her next school year. beautiful inside and out, but still
doesn’t know how great she really is. margaux is the little sister i always wish i had.

5. Mau Miravite

–read your other testimonials.. grabe.. nakakapangliit.. pero who could blame them sa napakahabang mga testi?? margaux is one of those people na pag hindi mo nakilala, you’re like missing half of your life.. c gaux lang ung tao with the rare combination of sweetness,
kakulitan, ka-hyperan (i mean all the time) yet, still exudes charm and beauty.. kaya nga many guys find her attractive.. add to that her killer smile.. wala na! pero more than these, margaux has been my buddy buong last sem. can’t imagine going through all those stuff (hell..) without her. sobrang cheatmate forever tpos mommy ko pa whenever tatawid papuntang sweet mom’s.. a great listener too.. pag
naiinis na ko sa mga people, she’s there to listen chca stop me sa kung anupaman ung pde kong gawin (hehe..) basta, i’m so lucky having gaux as my friend.. thanks gaux for everything.. miss u! luv u!U

6. Herson

It’s always a good feeling to rekindle a wonderful friendship shared with a wonderful friend. Our friendship started with her accidentally hitting her head inside a taxi cab. It’s funny how from simple silly moments can turn out into something that we’d always look back with fond and warmth. Margaux would be your epitome of what is beautiful inside and out. She’s a positive presence that voids out or
negates the negative complexities i get myself into every now and then. There is so much to love about this person… I heard she just came out of a relationship.. she’s singular again.. and ready to be with someone new.. someone deserving in her own sweet time. I know we have lost touch in ways more than one.. but I know.. and I feel that I have continuously grown in the friendship you’ve given me despite the time and days apart. I have seen colors undefined by science in the homey friendship Margaux has shared with me..
and it’s colors only seen and experienced in the heart of a friend like her.I will FORever love this Girl!

That’s just some of it.. I was supposed to put more, but I ended up falling asleep. There are a lot of things to be thankful right now and I seriously couldn’t ask for more. 🙂

Day 81: She is my Hero. ♥

I am turning 27 in just a few days– 5 days to be exact.

This was the year that my mom got married. This was the year that my mom decided to do things for herself. She was still stuck in a Filipino world, where everything was still traditional and easier, but when she turned 27, she said enough to everything and decided to do what she loved most.

I cannot even begin to describe the woman who gave birth to me.

Growing up, I’ve always believed that we were so different. I always remember that I would say that I was NOTHING like her, and that EVERYTHING that I am now, I got from my Dad. Little did I know, I would continuously be proven wrong. People who have grown up with her, who’ve known her in her adult life, stop me in my tracks and tell me how much I remind them of her. That is basically a HUGE compliment to the woman who bore me life. I never get the end of how much I smile like her, be as charming as she is, as friendly and warm she is to strangers. Until now, I’m surprised with how much I get of her.

Ours is not an ideal mother-daughter relationship. She was always the disciplinarian when she was still here in the Philippines. I remember being so scared after breaking a glass, eventually learning how to breathe afterwards when my dad and his siblings assured me that it was okay. They said it was a good thing my mom wasn’t there because I would receive the biggest reprimand from a parent ever. Little did they know, I would usually get that, and it wasn’t that big, because I was used to it. She became a stranger to me when we moved to the States. She was so busy with working and providing food on the table that she was rarely at home. I remember being so scared of her, and would have that feeling of hate towards her. It’s something that I’m not proud of. Being a daddy’s girl, I would always think of my dad first before her. Our relationship only started when she decided that I had to come back to the home I’ve always known.

For a mom, being so far away from her daughter for so long, that was probably the most hardest thing she must have experienced in her life. Never mind that she wasn’t used to this kind of life, or she had to break her back just to make ends meet. Being away from someone you gave birth to and have brought up for 14 years, most probably breaks her heart every day. I don’t even know how I could deal with that. The only thing I know is that I don’t want to go through what she’s been going through for the past 10 years we’ve been apart.

My mom has never failed to call me every week, or every other week. Of course as a kid and teen, I would always take it for granted. I never knew how much it affected me until that fateful day when I was in college. A friend pointed out that I was being so difficult to deal with and so he tried finding out what was wrong with me. He eventually realized that my mom missed her weekly calls, and then I realized how much I relied on her calling me. It didn’t matter if we fought, talked about nonsensical things, but just hearing her voice made me feel okay. Friends would always remark on how lucky I was that my mom would always get me the newest things in the states–how I’d get them in big boxes and not the usual one by one piece that they would. I would always explain that it’s the only thing that could compensate for her absence. It definitely wasn’t ideal, but for her to do that when I knew it was already hard for her financially, that was enough for me.

Not everything is right as rain. I still envy those who physically have their moms near them. I still feel the sadness and isolation that people feel when their family is a thousand miles away. No material thing will be able to compensate her absence, no one else can replace her in my life.

Through this whole ordeal, our relationship has become stronger. Without asking her to be there for me, she makes sure that she’s actually there. It’s good that I work at night now, because I’m up the same time she is. For the first time in our relationship, we talk more online than on the phone. Actually, the tables have turned. Instead of her being the one to call me, I’m the one now that calls her at odd times of the day–just because I missed her. When my shift changes to an earlier one, she wakes up earlier and goes online. She talks to me while cooking breakfast, during her lunchtime, and even when gets home. She has become more than my mom, she is now my bestest friend. I’m able to tell her when I’m sad, happy, or even tell her what I’m going to wear for the next day. I seriously think that if she wasn’t there in my life, I wouldn’t know what to do. Despite that she’s never emotional and I always am, she makes it a point to let me see her emotional side. She lets me see that she’s not just a mom, but as a person too. I read her thoughts, feel her pains and understand why she is who she is.

Our family may not be the most ideal one. What I definitely know is that I don’t want it to be the same with the family I will make and have in the future. What inspires me more now is to be the mom that she is to me. I see her compassion and understanding for my brother. I see the love she has for my dad. I see and feel how much it matters to her to reach out to me.

My mother is my hero. She pulls me out of the most troubling things I’ve been in even if she’s not physically here. She loves me despite my many flaws and mistakes. I will always work hard to be like her, though I know, she is on a different plane than I would ever be. No one could ever compare to her, and no one would ever be able to replace her in my life. I am nothing without my mom.

I love you, Mommy. Without you, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am now. I may not have done the things that you’ve done when you got to this age, but as I remind you everyday, things are different now. 🙂 I will always try to make you proud no matter what I do. Thank you for being my strength, and courage for each day of my life. Not a single day goes by with me not thinking of you.  ♥

Day 70. If the shoe fits, wear it.

I know there’s a reason and lesson for everything that happens in your life. I’m just waiting for the time that I actually learn and understand why all of this is happening. I sort of have a clue already, and it helps that I’ve slowly found myself again. During the time with him, I think I lost a bit of myself. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship was not so constricting as the others I’ve been in. However, since we’re so different in personalities, an easygoing person such as myself felt as if I was so tied down in areas I couldn’t even begin to explain. I’m sure he felt the same too.

Then again, when you love someone, you try to make yourself fit the mold that he or she makes for you. You also create your own mold for them to fit in, but after that, you lose yourself and you wonder about who you actually are.

I feel better now. The sad moments go by me so fast–I don’t even realize it. It’s still hard for me to see people happily in love,  be in weddings of my friends, watch sappy movies, and eat in places I would’ve eaten with him. I’m still dreading events that I’ve shared with him (i.e. birthdays) and every time I see things that he’s given me, it never fails to hurt me a little. I’m letting go of the material things that remind me of him everyday… They are just material things right? If I don’t, I think it might just stop me from actually growing and letting go.

I’m really glad for my friends, they’ve helped me be stronger. I’ve realized I have to stay away from friends who don’t know how to treasure their friendships and only think of themselves. It’s definitely not helping, and it makes me feel worse. I’m still a bit sad, because I’ve considered him as my family, and the fact that I live alone now, makes me feel even lonelier. I get even more irritated when a couple of people who are so insensitive, push it out to my face that they are with him, and I’m not. *Shrugs* Every time I feel that, I just tell myself to just deal with it. I guess I’m sad also, because I felt that even some of his friends that I’ve known for quite sometime act as if we were never friends, and that we never had anything to do with each other. Oh well. That’s why I guess they’re, “his friends.”

I still don’t know what I’ll do for my birthday… I’m not really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to my Bora trip with the Beebabes… However, it’s seriously making things hard for my pocket because I just came back from another trip and I’m still trying to catch up with that. Nevertheless, seeing the beach again will make things better for my heart.

There are people who ask if I’m ready for dating, the answer is still no. I still don’t want to date, and I’m not even ready for that. He was a great love, and forgetting that isn’t even easy. I am though looking forward to new things, and experiences… maybe this time everything will be so much better.