Day 231: Be Ready for Change.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Be Free by Celso Junior
Be Free by Celso Junior

The only constant thing in life is change. Most often than not, we reject the thoughts and actions of it due to the consequences that come with change. Needless to say, humans would rather have their safety blankets wrapped around them, than be exposed to the unforeseen events life gives them.

It’s been a month since I last wrote about my experiences. What can I say? Numerable events fell upon my lap and I’m still getting some more. Up till now, I’m a bit shocked and have recently started feeling good about it. This year, as all of you know, has put me through a roller-coaster ride and I’m so ready to get off. Apparently, it is not through with me yet.

I actually thought a month before that I’ve gone through so much and have already started to heal. Once again, I was wrong. Where do I even start explaining? Like what a really good friend has told me, I should start from the start; that’s where the healing and acceptance begins.

Originally, my next post was supposed to be about hypocrisy. You see, I started feeling like I was a hypocrite. There I was expressing my belief in letting him and everything that happened go; but apparently, I was still holding on. Yes, I’ve accepted the, “us,” I loved was no longer something that could happen. But, I couldn’t seem to let go of my love for him. There were days when I couldn’t shrug the feeling off, and I would be weak because of that. I was more mad at myself because I was letting someone else and my feelings get the best of me. I really admire the people who can just let it go with a snap of a finger. Due to the fact that I’m a sniveling sentimental and emotional person, it takes me longer than a snap of a finger to shrug it all off. What did I do? I finally made sure we had a clean break. In the end, I found myself starting to be okay, again. Little did I know, I would find myself in the middle of another test.

What do you do when you constantly hear rumors of your ex getting back on the dating horse? Of course, it breaks your heart. I know mine broke again for the nth time. I’m not proud of it, but it threw me off of my healing path. It had to stop. I was back again to an emotional state, which of course, did not do me good. It had to take a cousin of mine to get mad and tell me straight out that this is stupidity all over again. Just be happy for the ex; fix and love myself; and then move on.

Tried that, succeeded and chanced upon some honest to goodness realizations while I was in it. Now darlings, that wasn’t the end of it. Who would’ve guessed, a large bomb was suddenly dropped on me this past week. The ex has found somewhat what he has been looking for. According to him, it’s me that he wants and needs to have by his side from now until God knows when. Now, he’s back. No, we’re not together. He’s just there.. proving and showing that he’s serious about this and really sees me in his future.

I know I should be happy, heck, my wish came true. Surprisingly, I’m not jumping on to that particular bandwagon. I’m watching from afar, debating with my mind and heart whether I should go on or not. One thing I am sure of is, I’m putting myself first in everything.

Now, it would’ve been nice if this was all about just love. Mother Change is not making it easy for me. Professionally and physically, I was given a couple of changes. Somehow, everything just piled up. I lost track of time, myself, and friends.

Through all of this, I sincerely do believe and understand now that God has reasons that we could not and cannot even define or understand. Changes are tests, or examinations of our own self. Change is scary most of the time, however, change makes us stronger and better people at the end of the day. Who isn’t scared of changes? I know, I’m scared of it. However, if it’s the cure to being a stronger and more mature person… I say, “Bring It On.”

Day 183: List it Down.

People say that creating lists makes life much more organized. I do make lists, but somehow, I end up forgetting, losing, or misplacing them. It’s often associated with other things that I own– I definitely suck with keeping things. It’s typical Gemini behavior when you have so many thoughts in your head, you seem to lose focus on what you’re supposed to do at that time. No way am I trying to make an excuse for my flighty ways.

Why am I talking about lists? For some odd reason, the very first post I had, had a couple of suggestions of things that I should do to keep myself busy. Strangely enough, almost all of them are happening. Has this ever happened to any of you?

All I could remember is that I was a mess on that day. I couldn’t even think of doing anything but just curl up in a ball in my room and cry. My friend just gave me a suggestion to start blogging again and talk about things that I should do. Hence, the post, and the suggestion list.

I’ve just reached the 6 month mark. In the Philippines, people joke around that the mourning process is just 3 months because of the movie, One More Chance. Days before the actual date, I started feeling weird. I know, I said in my earlier post that I’m done with being sad. I couldn’t help it though for the past days. There were days that all I could do was just pray and ask the Lord for strength to get through this.

What gives? I’m guessing it was probably that other part of me that still hoped for an alternative solution of what I have now. It finally woke up and realized that there really was no hope anymore. I seriously felt like hitting myself in the head for being such a weakling in this situation, but I guess it’s a part of the moving on process. It’s a case of over-analyzing everything; thus making myself feel worse than I actually should.

I owe it to myself to actually admit, that I will have days that I’m not okay about this. I will have days that I’m happy knowing that he’s no longer in my life, and there will be days that I would have completely forgotten who he is and was in my life. For the past months, I’ve had my share of breakup hangovers, depression, and a lot of mood swings. Ever since I talked about letting it all go, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off me. I know I’ll still have withdrawals and possibly small hangovers, but I know, and pray that it will be easier now.

Now, the list has made everything easier for me. So I’ve decided to summarize everything and see the path I went through which brought me to where I am today.

1. Joined Days With The Lord – This experience has truly opened my eyes to a lot of things. A relationship with the Lord is often looked upon with fear and angst. Sadly, a lot of people don’t realize that it’s a bit of the same like having a friend, and working on that relationship. This has truly made things a bit easier for me, and I can’t complain, I have new people I consider as family.

Yuppies Days With The Lord Family ♥

2. Out of town trips – This year is definitely a year of trips for me. I’ve possibly gone out-of-town a couple of times already, and I seriously enjoyed every minute of it. I met new people, had new experiences and have gotten to know myself on a more personal level. Bohol, Boracay, Tagaytay, and Los Baños will never be looked at the same way again.

Bohol 2011 ♥
Boracay 2011 ♥

3. Balikbayans (Filipinos returning to the Philippines for a visit/permanent stay) – These past few months have been hectic due to friends coming back for visits. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been so busy. Like what I said before, it actually is and was a blessing in disguise. They all seemed to come right after the other.

4. Nonstop Night Outs- I couldn’t really count the several times I’ve gone out, surrounded myself with music, positive people, and anything that could divert my attention to something else. It made the nights easier to get through, and I was no longer stuck in the 4 corners of my house.

5. Being Healthier – My physical health has hit an all time low this year. I’ve been to the doctor a couple of times, and have been in and out of the office. I realized that I need to remove some of my unhealthy practices. I’ve started to exercise again, and eat better. There are still some things I need to work on, but it will come eventually. 🙂 I am celebrating though, because for the first time in 3 years, I’m back to 123 lbs! 🙂

What’s to come next? 🙂

1. Singapore – This was just really a whim, when I placed it on my suggestion post, it was just a hypothetical thing. I didn’t really think it would push through. Oh, but I realized as each month passed, I need to do this. I’m so excited to travel on my own, eat the things I want to, and see old friends who are based in Singapore. I seriously have a countdown until my trip! Tickets are already booked and my vacation leaves have already been approved.

2. Business A & B – They’re a bit hush-hush as of the moment, but my friends and I are slowly collaborating on all of this. Hopefully, if it doesn’t push through this year, it will come to effect next year. I’m so excited for this because, one of it has been my passion ever since highschool. 🙂

3. … ?

That’s all I can absolutely think of now… I’m sure more will be added to the list soon.

I guess without me knowing, the lists –be it due to work or something else, has totally made my life more organized. Even if I like and want everything to be spontaneous, I guess, I really can’t let order get out of my life. It’s only through that, that things will eventually be okay.

Has anything happened like that to you guys? Well, here’s wishing positive thoughts and blessings to my silent readers. 🙂

Day 165: Music was my refuge.♥

Love for music means trying out to be a DJ?:))

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

What would I do if I didn’t have my trusty collection of songs that I have fallen in love with in my 25 years of existence?

I would probably be the same, but less exciting and a lot more boring. 🙂

I was always attached to my iPod during college, even when I took the boards, trust assured I would have it with me. It was still alive this old thing that had gone through the highs and lows that I experienced in life until I started working for Marie France. Due to someone’s sticky fingers, I lost my most treasured companion. I was very sad to lose Derby (yes, it had a name). It felt as if I lost a relationship with my best friend. Aside from my most treasured songs, there were pictures in there as well that I could just look through and be reminded of the people I love. Due to the stress of my work then, I couldn’t help but just shrug it off and just go on.

I made do with having a small playlist on my phone, listening to the radio during odd hours, or just playing with my laptop. It wasn’t really the same, but it compensated for losing Derby. It’s good though that during those times I didn’t really have anything to be sad about. I was on a high basically, so what if Derby wasn’t there? I was with the man who I loved at that time, and didn’t really need to listen to songs or find about new ones as well. Downhill.

I’ve learned that in a relationship, one shouldn’t let go of what they loved to do. I lost myself in that relationship, trying to be the best girlfriend to someone… I didn’t sing as much as before, and changed into someone I no longer know. I stopped going to OPM gigs, stopped listening to the radio and stopped updating my songs. I did encounter songs that he liked, which I eventually did like, but it wasn’t the same. Sadly, I only discovered this now.

Music has always been my companion for anything, and everything. Ever since I was young I’ve always been surrounded with songs of love, happiness, family, anger and etc. Thinking about it, it’s because of Music that I learned one of the things I won’t stop doing, and that is to sing. I don’t really remember a time where my Dad wasn’t singing, or my mom was listening to the radio. If no one was singing, it was most probably because, my dad decided to play classical music on the radio.

Jologs Fan Girl Moment with Louie Ocampo.. One of the best Philippine composers and arrangers.♥

Growing up was easier because for everything that I went through the greatest songwriters in this world had a song that accompanied me through it. It was like a rebuttal of each trivial thing that life gives you.

Before we broke up, he gave me an iPod as a Christmas gift. I was over the moon with happiness, because aside from the games I would get to play (yes, I’m a gamer), I was given the chance to rebuild my collection again. At the start it was hard, I didn’t have a backup of my old collection, and had to basically try to remember every song and genre that I loved. Lesson in life, one should always have backups! So at the start, it was the newest pop, hiphop, some Pearl Jam and house music. We eventually broke up (duh), and even if I loved that iPod, I had to get rid of it. Weirdly enough, there were so many memories created with that, and I had to let go of it.

I’ve upgraded the iPod to an iPhone, and it has been so much easier. Do I have a name for it? Not yet. 🙂

It is such a relief now to listen to the things that I like and that I no longer have to remember things I’d rather forget. I also get to create new memories which make things even better. Each month since, I’ve added new and old songs… from 0 GB it has now reached 13 GB–just on music alone. Whenever I feel sad, I allow myself to hear the songs that give me empowerment and lift me up. I still let myself hear sad songs, because I think it makes me stronger to accept things. Methinks, it’s better to face it openly than avoid it altogether.

A couple of friends of mine have debated about which decade brought the best music in our lifetime, for some it was the 80’s, while others strongly believe that it was 90’s; although, for the younger ones, it’s all about the songs produced during 200-2011. For me, I would say it was the 90’s.. but in the end it doesn’t matter. Just like ourselves, music evolves. If it were a tree, there would be so many differences that you’d see it in its trunk, leaves, and roots. It adapts to the world now.

What’s my current playlist now? There’s a lot of it but I’ll put in the most played songs I have:

  1. Erika David- Fall for your type
  2. Imogen Heap- Speeding Cars
  3. Anberlin- Inevitable
  4. Sonique- It Feels So Good (Breakbeat Edit)
  5. Barbara Streisand- What Kind of Fool
  6. Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera- Moves Like Jagger
  7. Bobby Valentino- Anonymous
  8. Amy Kuney- Hope A Little Harder
  9. Empire of the Sun- Walking on A Dream
  10. Goo Goo Dolls- Slide
  11. India Arie- Heart of The Matter
  12. Madonna- Miles Away
  13. Pitbull, Ne-yo & Afrojack- Give Me Everything
  14. Kings of Leon- Sex On Fire
  15. Lloyd- Cupid
  16. The Smiths- Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I want
  17. Alanis Morissette- You Learn
  18. Bamboo- Much Has Been Said
  19. The Out of Body Special- Give It
  20. Daft Punk- Something About Us

I’m thankful for this time because I’m able to fall in love with one of my first loves again. I get to rekindle my relationship with a long, lost friend. I fell in love with you ever since I was born. I’m never letting you go again. ♥

Without music life would be a mistake. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Day 147: Look how far we’ve gone.

When a person gets out of a relationship, they suddenly realize that they were dumped with a lot of time on their hands. They keep on wishing that time was fast-forwarded to the future, when they would no longer think of what to do with all the ample time on their hands. I distinctly remember feeling that way, and I’m sure a lot of you could relate as well.

Well, I got my wish! Without realizing it, my weekends are booked till Lord knows when, and my weekdays are thrown into work-related activities. I cannot even begin to fathom how I got myself into this schedule. Well, I lie. Of course I know how I got myself into this. I wanted to forget and not pine for him. The Lord is extremely kind, because everything has fallen into place. Everything is a bit easier now.

I can’t help but want to rest as well though. Sometimes, I find myself emotionally and physically so tired from all the activities I make myself do, because just one moment that I give myself to think… I find everything going.. KABOOM! (Apology inserted here) My extreme apologies to family and friends that I’ve promised for certain activities, and ended up being a no-show. It’s not intended, I promise. I can prove that my 27-year-old body is no longer the same as my 22-year-old body. I get tired. 🙂

——–

So moving on and forward to the coming months, next thing I know, this blog would have reached a year already!  I’ve realized that aside from making myself busy with the people I love, I’ve also pushed myself into things I normally wouldn’t have done a year ago. I am starting a business with my friends, going out of the country, going to a province I haven’t been in the Philippines, started exercising again… If this isn’t getting to know myself, then I really don’t know what is. I’ve also opened myself up to more people, considered meeting new people and just being a better person.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. I’ve been numb for a couple of months already, and I think, it’s about time that I say, “Enough is enough.” It’s never going to go away, this love that I have for him, but I think I need to stop letting people who have bad intentions near me, and it’s sad that he’s a part of that group. So goodbye to those who pretend to be friends but they actually just need things, goodbye to those who want to be friends just to know more news, and goodbye to people who think I’m an easy catch since I’m in a vulnerable state.

I deserve better, I know that I deserve to be happy. I’m no longer letting anyone get in my way to stop me from being so.

Day 132: The juices flow again.

Night at the beach.

I’ve avoided this blog which didn’t really make sense as this was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. Then I realized that avoiding and shrugging all of this, isn’t really moving on. Facing the pain and accepting it, no matter how hard it pushes and slaps you in the face, is moving on.

Funny how we’re so ready to pretend that everything’s fine and we’re all okay, when we’re really not. Then again, life is about making mistakes and being ready to accept any changes that life brings you.

A friend of mine had said that it’s all about tricking the mind into thinking that you’re okay. If you keep on doing that, it would eventually work out — next thing you know, you’d be surprised to wake up and actually feel okay. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing that or was I finally, really, okay? How would I even react to the answer of all those questions? Honestly, I think that there were some tricks involved, but I also allowed myself to feel the pain. I guess, for you to really move on, you do a little of both. You decide to be real to yourself and you decide to trick yourself at the same time. It definitely sounds contradicting, but if you trick yourself with positive thoughts, you end up with positive results… right? I guess, it’s really up to the person on what they decide to do. What I know is that I no longer want to feel down about this. I don’t deserve this.

There was a time when I thought about moving on to another relationship. Some friends have this idea that for you to be truly over someone is to get a new partner, invest yourself in a new situation–that’s never been me though. I don’t even think that’s healthy. I did try, but I couldn’t fool myself. I guess I’m just grateful that there are still guys out there who are mature enough to understand and give you the respect that you need. I just feel better knowing that I’m coming out of this more maturely than I thought I could ever be.

There are times when it gets difficult, but it really isn’t as bad as how it used to be. I have my friends, family–it’s crazy how everything has fallen into place. I have been given the time to renew my relationship with my friends, family, and loved ones. I’ve most especially been given a chance to start a relationship anew with myself and my Lord.

I’ve realized that when I started this blog, I immediately placed a deadline of a year. I listed things I should do, just so I would eventually be okay. Without me knowing, I’ve almost done everything on my list and have things planned for the latter part of the year. I don’t think I’ve been out-of-town so much ever since… EVER. There’s so many things to look forward to… and I’m really happy for that… I don’t even think I can give up this blog or even blogging again.

It’s all about being self-sufficient now. Mom’s no longer there to put a band-aid over my heart. I have to tend to my own wounds now, and I’ve got to say, I’m so happy that I’ve gotten way better with that.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous”— Carrie Bradshaw

Day 70. If the shoe fits, wear it.

I know there’s a reason and lesson for everything that happens in your life. I’m just waiting for the time that I actually learn and understand why all of this is happening. I sort of have a clue already, and it helps that I’ve slowly found myself again. During the time with him, I think I lost a bit of myself. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship was not so constricting as the others I’ve been in. However, since we’re so different in personalities, an easygoing person such as myself felt as if I was so tied down in areas I couldn’t even begin to explain. I’m sure he felt the same too.

Then again, when you love someone, you try to make yourself fit the mold that he or she makes for you. You also create your own mold for them to fit in, but after that, you lose yourself and you wonder about who you actually are.

I feel better now. The sad moments go by me so fast–I don’t even realize it. It’s still hard for me to see people happily in love,  be in weddings of my friends, watch sappy movies, and eat in places I would’ve eaten with him. I’m still dreading events that I’ve shared with him (i.e. birthdays) and every time I see things that he’s given me, it never fails to hurt me a little. I’m letting go of the material things that remind me of him everyday… They are just material things right? If I don’t, I think it might just stop me from actually growing and letting go.

I’m really glad for my friends, they’ve helped me be stronger. I’ve realized I have to stay away from friends who don’t know how to treasure their friendships and only think of themselves. It’s definitely not helping, and it makes me feel worse. I’m still a bit sad, because I’ve considered him as my family, and the fact that I live alone now, makes me feel even lonelier. I get even more irritated when a couple of people who are so insensitive, push it out to my face that they are with him, and I’m not. *Shrugs* Every time I feel that, I just tell myself to just deal with it. I guess I’m sad also, because I felt that even some of his friends that I’ve known for quite sometime act as if we were never friends, and that we never had anything to do with each other. Oh well. That’s why I guess they’re, “his friends.”

I still don’t know what I’ll do for my birthday… I’m not really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to my Bora trip with the Beebabes… However, it’s seriously making things hard for my pocket because I just came back from another trip and I’m still trying to catch up with that. Nevertheless, seeing the beach again will make things better for my heart.

There are people who ask if I’m ready for dating, the answer is still no. I still don’t want to date, and I’m not even ready for that. He was a great love, and forgetting that isn’t even easy. I am though looking forward to new things, and experiences… maybe this time everything will be so much better.

Day 59. Let’s try one more time.

A month has passed by without me writing about anything here. I had to take a break.

The past month has been a trial for me. Who am I kidding? We’ve all gone through breakups–it’s no easy feat. I was busy making myself busy, didn’t even stop to breathe, and just when there was absolutely nothing planned, I broke down into pieces.

So I took the month off from writing, saw my friends, and even saw him. I did a bit of soul-searching, which affected a lot of things, but I guess I’m glad I went through it all. I saw more of my family, friends, and did a lot stuff for my house. I did have those days when I didn’t want to move at all, just wanted to stare at a blank wall and cry. Those days were the hardest for me. It seemed as if I couldn’t stop crying, and everything I’d do was cry. I guess what was harder for me was, I never thought that I’d go through this pain again. Lo and behold, there I was feeling the same thing again.

It’s easier to wake up now, to go through each day as if nothing happened. I’m starting to stop talking about him, or what we were before; and I’m finally able to start thinking of other things that would make me happy. It feels good when I realize that he’s no longer my first thought to everything. It’s definitely a work in progress…

I absolutely hate the days when I feel like my heart is so heavy, and I end up missing him so much. It doesn’t help when I get frustrated as well, when certain people would try to force me to forget and do things I don’t even want to do. It’s not that easy to move on. He was my life for 3 years and a couple of months. You can’t expect me to act as if nothing happened and to move on with just a snap of a finger.

It hurts though, knowing that he’s moved on completely and it’s as if I was never a part of his life. I wish it was that easy for me.

In a way, I’m happy that because of this, I was able to rekindle old friendships, and have new friends. I’m happy that I’m not as bitter as one would expect and that, I don’t have a hate relationship with him.

I’m happy that I have friends who are going through the same thing that I am– it helps knowing that I’m not alone, and that I can cry with someone who feels like crying over someone as well. It helps to know that I’m not as weak as I thought I was.

People ask if there would ever be a chance of us getting back together again.. My answer to that is the usual cliché, if it’s meant to be, then we will be with each other again. If it’s not, then *shrugs* someone out there is definitely meant for me. I may not be ready now, but in time, I will be.

Much love goes out to my mom, who goes online everyday, and makes sure that I’m okay.. This has definitely made our relationship stronger… I can’t ask for a better mom. She’s more than enough for me. 🙂

I’m grateful for the Lord, for being my strength, giving me courage through this hard time.

I don’t know if I’ll continue writing every day, or every other day… I’ll just write when I can, without forcing myself to.. It’s easier that way.