Day 183: List it Down.

People say that creating lists makes life much more organized. I do make lists, but somehow, I end up forgetting, losing, or misplacing them. It’s often associated with other things that I own– I definitely suck with keeping things. It’s typical Gemini behavior when you have so many thoughts in your head, you seem to lose focus on what you’re supposed to do at that time. No way am I trying to make an excuse for my flighty ways.

Why am I talking about lists? For some odd reason, the very first post I had, had a couple of suggestions of things that I should do to keep myself busy. Strangely enough, almost all of them are happening. Has this ever happened to any of you?

All I could remember is that I was a mess on that day. I couldn’t even think of doing anything but just curl up in a ball in my room and cry. My friend just gave me a suggestion to start blogging again and talk about things that I should do. Hence, the post, and the suggestion list.

I’ve just reached the 6 month mark. In the Philippines, people joke around that the mourning process is just 3 months because of the movie, One More Chance. Days before the actual date, I started feeling weird. I know, I said in my earlier post that I’m done with being sad. I couldn’t help it though for the past days. There were days that all I could do was just pray and ask the Lord for strength to get through this.

What gives? I’m guessing it was probably that other part of me that still hoped for an alternative solution of what I have now. It finally woke up and realized that there really was no hope anymore. I seriously felt like hitting myself in the head for being such a weakling in this situation, but I guess it’s a part of the moving on process. It’s a case of over-analyzing everything; thus making myself feel worse than I actually should.

I owe it to myself to actually admit, that I will have days that I’m not okay about this. I will have days that I’m happy knowing that he’s no longer in my life, and there will be days that I would have completely forgotten who he is and was in my life. For the past months, I’ve had my share of breakup hangovers, depression, and a lot of mood swings. Ever since I talked about letting it all go, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off me. I know I’ll still have withdrawals and possibly small hangovers, but I know, and pray that it will be easier now.

Now, the list has made everything easier for me. So I’ve decided to summarize everything and see the path I went through which brought me to where I am today.

1. Joined Days With The Lord – This experience has truly opened my eyes to a lot of things. A relationship with the Lord is often looked upon with fear and angst. Sadly, a lot of people don’t realize that it’s a bit of the same like having a friend, and working on that relationship. This has truly made things a bit easier for me, and I can’t complain, I have new people I consider as family.

Yuppies Days With The Lord Family ♥

2. Out of town trips – This year is definitely a year of trips for me. I’ve possibly gone out-of-town a couple of times already, and I seriously enjoyed every minute of it. I met new people, had new experiences and have gotten to know myself on a more personal level. Bohol, Boracay, Tagaytay, and Los Baños will never be looked at the same way again.

Bohol 2011 ♥
Boracay 2011 ♥

3. Balikbayans (Filipinos returning to the Philippines for a visit/permanent stay) – These past few months have been hectic due to friends coming back for visits. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been so busy. Like what I said before, it actually is and was a blessing in disguise. They all seemed to come right after the other.

4. Nonstop Night Outs- I couldn’t really count the several times I’ve gone out, surrounded myself with music, positive people, and anything that could divert my attention to something else. It made the nights easier to get through, and I was no longer stuck in the 4 corners of my house.

5. Being Healthier – My physical health has hit an all time low this year. I’ve been to the doctor a couple of times, and have been in and out of the office. I realized that I need to remove some of my unhealthy practices. I’ve started to exercise again, and eat better. There are still some things I need to work on, but it will come eventually. 🙂 I am celebrating though, because for the first time in 3 years, I’m back to 123 lbs! 🙂

What’s to come next? 🙂

1. Singapore – This was just really a whim, when I placed it on my suggestion post, it was just a hypothetical thing. I didn’t really think it would push through. Oh, but I realized as each month passed, I need to do this. I’m so excited to travel on my own, eat the things I want to, and see old friends who are based in Singapore. I seriously have a countdown until my trip! Tickets are already booked and my vacation leaves have already been approved.

2. Business A & B – They’re a bit hush-hush as of the moment, but my friends and I are slowly collaborating on all of this. Hopefully, if it doesn’t push through this year, it will come to effect next year. I’m so excited for this because, one of it has been my passion ever since highschool. 🙂

3. … ?

That’s all I can absolutely think of now… I’m sure more will be added to the list soon.

I guess without me knowing, the lists –be it due to work or something else, has totally made my life more organized. Even if I like and want everything to be spontaneous, I guess, I really can’t let order get out of my life. It’s only through that, that things will eventually be okay.

Has anything happened like that to you guys? Well, here’s wishing positive thoughts and blessings to my silent readers. 🙂

Day 147: Look how far we’ve gone.

When a person gets out of a relationship, they suddenly realize that they were dumped with a lot of time on their hands. They keep on wishing that time was fast-forwarded to the future, when they would no longer think of what to do with all the ample time on their hands. I distinctly remember feeling that way, and I’m sure a lot of you could relate as well.

Well, I got my wish! Without realizing it, my weekends are booked till Lord knows when, and my weekdays are thrown into work-related activities. I cannot even begin to fathom how I got myself into this schedule. Well, I lie. Of course I know how I got myself into this. I wanted to forget and not pine for him. The Lord is extremely kind, because everything has fallen into place. Everything is a bit easier now.

I can’t help but want to rest as well though. Sometimes, I find myself emotionally and physically so tired from all the activities I make myself do, because just one moment that I give myself to think… I find everything going.. KABOOM! (Apology inserted here) My extreme apologies to family and friends that I’ve promised for certain activities, and ended up being a no-show. It’s not intended, I promise. I can prove that my 27-year-old body is no longer the same as my 22-year-old body. I get tired. 🙂

——–

So moving on and forward to the coming months, next thing I know, this blog would have reached a year already!  I’ve realized that aside from making myself busy with the people I love, I’ve also pushed myself into things I normally wouldn’t have done a year ago. I am starting a business with my friends, going out of the country, going to a province I haven’t been in the Philippines, started exercising again… If this isn’t getting to know myself, then I really don’t know what is. I’ve also opened myself up to more people, considered meeting new people and just being a better person.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. I’ve been numb for a couple of months already, and I think, it’s about time that I say, “Enough is enough.” It’s never going to go away, this love that I have for him, but I think I need to stop letting people who have bad intentions near me, and it’s sad that he’s a part of that group. So goodbye to those who pretend to be friends but they actually just need things, goodbye to those who want to be friends just to know more news, and goodbye to people who think I’m an easy catch since I’m in a vulnerable state.

I deserve better, I know that I deserve to be happy. I’m no longer letting anyone get in my way to stop me from being so.

Day 132: The juices flow again.

Night at the beach.

I’ve avoided this blog which didn’t really make sense as this was supposed to be a form of therapy for me. Then I realized that avoiding and shrugging all of this, isn’t really moving on. Facing the pain and accepting it, no matter how hard it pushes and slaps you in the face, is moving on.

Funny how we’re so ready to pretend that everything’s fine and we’re all okay, when we’re really not. Then again, life is about making mistakes and being ready to accept any changes that life brings you.

A friend of mine had said that it’s all about tricking the mind into thinking that you’re okay. If you keep on doing that, it would eventually work out — next thing you know, you’d be surprised to wake up and actually feel okay. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing that or was I finally, really, okay? How would I even react to the answer of all those questions? Honestly, I think that there were some tricks involved, but I also allowed myself to feel the pain. I guess, for you to really move on, you do a little of both. You decide to be real to yourself and you decide to trick yourself at the same time. It definitely sounds contradicting, but if you trick yourself with positive thoughts, you end up with positive results… right? I guess, it’s really up to the person on what they decide to do. What I know is that I no longer want to feel down about this. I don’t deserve this.

There was a time when I thought about moving on to another relationship. Some friends have this idea that for you to be truly over someone is to get a new partner, invest yourself in a new situation–that’s never been me though. I don’t even think that’s healthy. I did try, but I couldn’t fool myself. I guess I’m just grateful that there are still guys out there who are mature enough to understand and give you the respect that you need. I just feel better knowing that I’m coming out of this more maturely than I thought I could ever be.

There are times when it gets difficult, but it really isn’t as bad as how it used to be. I have my friends, family–it’s crazy how everything has fallen into place. I have been given the time to renew my relationship with my friends, family, and loved ones. I’ve most especially been given a chance to start a relationship anew with myself and my Lord.

I’ve realized that when I started this blog, I immediately placed a deadline of a year. I listed things I should do, just so I would eventually be okay. Without me knowing, I’ve almost done everything on my list and have things planned for the latter part of the year. I don’t think I’ve been out-of-town so much ever since… EVER. There’s so many things to look forward to… and I’m really happy for that… I don’t even think I can give up this blog or even blogging again.

It’s all about being self-sufficient now. Mom’s no longer there to put a band-aid over my heart. I have to tend to my own wounds now, and I’ve got to say, I’m so happy that I’ve gotten way better with that.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you, you love, well, that’s just fabulous”— Carrie Bradshaw

Day 81: She is my Hero. ♥

I am turning 27 in just a few days– 5 days to be exact.

This was the year that my mom got married. This was the year that my mom decided to do things for herself. She was still stuck in a Filipino world, where everything was still traditional and easier, but when she turned 27, she said enough to everything and decided to do what she loved most.

I cannot even begin to describe the woman who gave birth to me.

Growing up, I’ve always believed that we were so different. I always remember that I would say that I was NOTHING like her, and that EVERYTHING that I am now, I got from my Dad. Little did I know, I would continuously be proven wrong. People who have grown up with her, who’ve known her in her adult life, stop me in my tracks and tell me how much I remind them of her. That is basically a HUGE compliment to the woman who bore me life. I never get the end of how much I smile like her, be as charming as she is, as friendly and warm she is to strangers. Until now, I’m surprised with how much I get of her.

Ours is not an ideal mother-daughter relationship. She was always the disciplinarian when she was still here in the Philippines. I remember being so scared after breaking a glass, eventually learning how to breathe afterwards when my dad and his siblings assured me that it was okay. They said it was a good thing my mom wasn’t there because I would receive the biggest reprimand from a parent ever. Little did they know, I would usually get that, and it wasn’t that big, because I was used to it. She became a stranger to me when we moved to the States. She was so busy with working and providing food on the table that she was rarely at home. I remember being so scared of her, and would have that feeling of hate towards her. It’s something that I’m not proud of. Being a daddy’s girl, I would always think of my dad first before her. Our relationship only started when she decided that I had to come back to the home I’ve always known.

For a mom, being so far away from her daughter for so long, that was probably the most hardest thing she must have experienced in her life. Never mind that she wasn’t used to this kind of life, or she had to break her back just to make ends meet. Being away from someone you gave birth to and have brought up for 14 years, most probably breaks her heart every day. I don’t even know how I could deal with that. The only thing I know is that I don’t want to go through what she’s been going through for the past 10 years we’ve been apart.

My mom has never failed to call me every week, or every other week. Of course as a kid and teen, I would always take it for granted. I never knew how much it affected me until that fateful day when I was in college. A friend pointed out that I was being so difficult to deal with and so he tried finding out what was wrong with me. He eventually realized that my mom missed her weekly calls, and then I realized how much I relied on her calling me. It didn’t matter if we fought, talked about nonsensical things, but just hearing her voice made me feel okay. Friends would always remark on how lucky I was that my mom would always get me the newest things in the states–how I’d get them in big boxes and not the usual one by one piece that they would. I would always explain that it’s the only thing that could compensate for her absence. It definitely wasn’t ideal, but for her to do that when I knew it was already hard for her financially, that was enough for me.

Not everything is right as rain. I still envy those who physically have their moms near them. I still feel the sadness and isolation that people feel when their family is a thousand miles away. No material thing will be able to compensate her absence, no one else can replace her in my life.

Through this whole ordeal, our relationship has become stronger. Without asking her to be there for me, she makes sure that she’s actually there. It’s good that I work at night now, because I’m up the same time she is. For the first time in our relationship, we talk more online than on the phone. Actually, the tables have turned. Instead of her being the one to call me, I’m the one now that calls her at odd times of the day–just because I missed her. When my shift changes to an earlier one, she wakes up earlier and goes online. She talks to me while cooking breakfast, during her lunchtime, and even when gets home. She has become more than my mom, she is now my bestest friend. I’m able to tell her when I’m sad, happy, or even tell her what I’m going to wear for the next day. I seriously think that if she wasn’t there in my life, I wouldn’t know what to do. Despite that she’s never emotional and I always am, she makes it a point to let me see her emotional side. She lets me see that she’s not just a mom, but as a person too. I read her thoughts, feel her pains and understand why she is who she is.

Our family may not be the most ideal one. What I definitely know is that I don’t want it to be the same with the family I will make and have in the future. What inspires me more now is to be the mom that she is to me. I see her compassion and understanding for my brother. I see the love she has for my dad. I see and feel how much it matters to her to reach out to me.

My mother is my hero. She pulls me out of the most troubling things I’ve been in even if she’s not physically here. She loves me despite my many flaws and mistakes. I will always work hard to be like her, though I know, she is on a different plane than I would ever be. No one could ever compare to her, and no one would ever be able to replace her in my life. I am nothing without my mom.

I love you, Mommy. Without you, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am now. I may not have done the things that you’ve done when you got to this age, but as I remind you everyday, things are different now. 🙂 I will always try to make you proud no matter what I do. Thank you for being my strength, and courage for each day of my life. Not a single day goes by with me not thinking of you.  ♥

Day 70. If the shoe fits, wear it.

I know there’s a reason and lesson for everything that happens in your life. I’m just waiting for the time that I actually learn and understand why all of this is happening. I sort of have a clue already, and it helps that I’ve slowly found myself again. During the time with him, I think I lost a bit of myself. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship was not so constricting as the others I’ve been in. However, since we’re so different in personalities, an easygoing person such as myself felt as if I was so tied down in areas I couldn’t even begin to explain. I’m sure he felt the same too.

Then again, when you love someone, you try to make yourself fit the mold that he or she makes for you. You also create your own mold for them to fit in, but after that, you lose yourself and you wonder about who you actually are.

I feel better now. The sad moments go by me so fast–I don’t even realize it. It’s still hard for me to see people happily in love,  be in weddings of my friends, watch sappy movies, and eat in places I would’ve eaten with him. I’m still dreading events that I’ve shared with him (i.e. birthdays) and every time I see things that he’s given me, it never fails to hurt me a little. I’m letting go of the material things that remind me of him everyday… They are just material things right? If I don’t, I think it might just stop me from actually growing and letting go.

I’m really glad for my friends, they’ve helped me be stronger. I’ve realized I have to stay away from friends who don’t know how to treasure their friendships and only think of themselves. It’s definitely not helping, and it makes me feel worse. I’m still a bit sad, because I’ve considered him as my family, and the fact that I live alone now, makes me feel even lonelier. I get even more irritated when a couple of people who are so insensitive, push it out to my face that they are with him, and I’m not. *Shrugs* Every time I feel that, I just tell myself to just deal with it. I guess I’m sad also, because I felt that even some of his friends that I’ve known for quite sometime act as if we were never friends, and that we never had anything to do with each other. Oh well. That’s why I guess they’re, “his friends.”

I still don’t know what I’ll do for my birthday… I’m not really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to my Bora trip with the Beebabes… However, it’s seriously making things hard for my pocket because I just came back from another trip and I’m still trying to catch up with that. Nevertheless, seeing the beach again will make things better for my heart.

There are people who ask if I’m ready for dating, the answer is still no. I still don’t want to date, and I’m not even ready for that. He was a great love, and forgetting that isn’t even easy. I am though looking forward to new things, and experiences… maybe this time everything will be so much better.

Days 17 and 18. For Mama.

http://www.4shared.com/embed/492797444/e81338af

 

Mama Valing
Mama Valing

It took a lot of courage and thought to type this all down. I kept on thinking about what was more fitting and what was the right thing to say. Music truly helps, as I was listening to Landslide, it was only then that I was able to start formulating everything that I wanted to say.

 

For the past couple of days, things have been hectic for my family and I. It all started last Monday, or Tuesday, when I received a text from my Aunt asking me to see my grandmother. Mama hasn’t been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. It would either be because she would have a low-grade fever or would have trouble sleeping. As Mama’s health goes up and down sporadically, I just shrugged it off and thought that since she’s older, she’s more prone to these things. I didn’t think that this would be a red flag, warning us that her time is almost up.

Mama is somewhere between the age of 92-96. We don’t really know her exact age as she’s very secretive about it. She’s basically the Madonna (the entertainer) of our family. She subtracts a couple of years and says that she’s actually younger than her real age. It’s one of the funny things we talk about Mama who’s a comedian in her own right. For my cousins who are older than I am, they were able to know her more because she had a hand in bringing them up during their younger years. I really got to know her when I came back from the States and stayed with my aunt.

Mrs. Valeriana Yasay is a chameleon. She has so many quirky traits; and I feel that the many quirks that I’m known for, came from her. She was always this mysterious and scary character for me growing up. She wasn’t really fond of children, and I’d remember the times she’d spend with my brother and I, before my family migrated to the US. I even remember talking with my Mom stating that I didn’t want to kiss and hug her because she was mean and that I knew that she didn’t like me. I also said that the only apo (grandchild in Tagalog) she liked was my brother because he looked so much like Papa Loloy. Of course, my Mom would say that it’s not true and that Mama loves me very much.

When I came back from the States, I was lucky enough to spend more time, getting to know her and actually experiencing what it was like to have a Lola.Whenever I would be bored or would want to escape the wrath of my Aunt, I would always go to her room and talk to her. I thank the Lord for letting me have those moments. I was able to get to know her more as a person and as my Lola.

Mama is a bit of a racist. Hahaha. She never really liked watching movies with African-American people in it, and other things as well. She would always say, in Tagalog, “You didn’t get anything from your mom! You got everything from your Dad! You’re Chinese! Chinese! Chinese! Chinese!” To that I would reply, “You say my Mom is very beautiful, and I’m beautiful, so I got that from her, and she got it from you! So you’re wrong!” She would always laugh out loud when I would answer her back with that. We would always have that debate though.:) Sometimes, I would also ask her about my Lolo, who according to her, was the love of her life. She would tell me stories about how they met, and how she was flattered but didn’t really like him at the start. She would tell me about another love of hers that she was supposed to get married with, but he was killed by the Japanese during the war. She would always laughingly tell stories about her many suitors, and would always be proud by saying that she was a very beautiful mestiza from Camiguin. She would also boast of how she was so business-minded and knew how to handle things efficiently.

I saw the proof of a mother’s unconditional love with Mama. It would be evident in her relationship with my Mom. My grandmother and mother have never seen eye to eye, and even if my mom had issues with her growing up, Mama would always make it a point to ask about my mom. Mama though never stopped asking about her and would always tell everyone (if I’m in the room) about my ever so charming and beautiful mother. She would always talk about my Mom and be sad that my Dad never really became the man that she hoped he would be. Despite the gap between them, she would always offer a dozen of novenas for my family.

Mama is known as the ULTIMATE TERROR. Surprisingly, she’s not really like that anymore now. My Aunts have often remarked that she was never really that soft-hearted and that maybe with age, she had warmed up more. Mama’s efforts as a better grandmother was always a wonderful surprise.

One thing that I could never forget about her, is how much she loves Ito. When Ito and I got together, my aunties were still apprehensive about the thought of me having a boyfriend. See, I was never really allowed to have one. However, when she met Ito, she fell in love with him and vice versa. Mama would always look forward to his visits, and would laugh up a storm when he would be here. He, in turn, would patiently stay and talk to her about a lot of things, tease her and make time for her. He would also make sure that he was properly dressed and in a good mood when he would see her. It never really did matter to her, because his presence was enough. One thing that she would always remark on is how he reminded her so much of my Lolo, which is one of the reasons why she always liked him. I think this helped my Aunts warm up to him, and eventually accept him as part of the family. I never really told her that he and I were no longer together because I knew that it would just break her heart. It hurts when she couldn’t remember any of us, and yet she still remembered him.

It’s so hard seeing her now in pain. She doesn’t really talk, is very restless and  terrified to be left alone. She is now talking about deceased suitors and friends visiting her. We fear, I fear, that they’re already picking her up for the journey of coming home to Him. I’m most scared about the fight that will happen between Heaven and Hell. I know though that He would never leave her, and that He would send his holiest angels to guide and back her up in this war. I do wish the best for her. I just can’t help but be sad and a little selfish about her wanting to stay just a bit more. She lived a long life though, she was able to see her children have children who in turn had children of their own. I know she’s really lonely now, and I guess it’s really time for her to be reunited with her amigos and amigas in Heaven.

To my ever so loving Mama, I will miss you so when the time comes. I know it will be painful going in to your room, expecting that you’ll be there. We will no longer have anyone to tease about asking for cows, getting gifts from Rustans, or about giving you a higher allowance. I will miss the pandesals, ensaymada, torta and other treats from you. No one will ever say, “saba! sige ka saba! ngisngis kaayo boses mo! sige na, matuog na ko!” and then laugh afterwards quite like you do. I will no longer be able to count your freckles and ask why you have so many. I will always remember how I should pick mangoes and other fruits to make sure that they’re sweet enough. Thank you for trying to be like a mom/lola for me when you knew I was having such a hard time being away from my mom. I will remember your smile that would always light up a room and will surely do remember how to, “pick up men and play hard to get.” Haha. Every time I will pray the three o’clock habit, I will always pray it with gusto and will offer my intentions for you to our Heavenly Father.

I’m sorry I was never able to go to Cagayan de Oro with you like what we talked about, but I promise I will make time for that now. I will visit the places that you loved and grew to love with Papa. I will find someone who makes the same leche flan like you do, and I will ask the Aunties for your old recipes. I will make sure that Auntie Baby will always have someone in her life, and that I will never leave her alone. I will always pray for you, Papa and your many amigos and amigas in Heaven.

I will not say goodbye yet, until He has decided that it’s time. So for now, I will still tease you, try to make you laugh and make sure that you are always comfortable. I love you Mama. Thank you for being one of the best people I have ever met and loved in my life. 🙂