God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
The only constant thing in life is change. Most often than not, we reject the thoughts and actions of it due to the consequences that come with change. Needless to say, humans would rather have their safety blankets wrapped around them, than be exposed to the unforeseen events life gives them.
It’s been a month since I last wrote about my experiences. What can I say? Numerable events fell upon my lap and I’m still getting some more. Up till now, I’m a bit shocked and have recently started feeling good about it. This year, as all of you know, has put me through a roller-coaster ride and I’m so ready to get off. Apparently, it is not through with me yet.
I actually thought a month before that I’ve gone through so much and have already started to heal. Once again, I was wrong. Where do I even start explaining? Like what a really good friend has told me, I should start from the start; that’s where the healing and acceptance begins.
Originally, my next post was supposed to be about hypocrisy. You see, I started feeling like I was a hypocrite. There I was expressing my belief in letting him and everything that happened go; but apparently, I was still holding on. Yes, I’ve accepted the, “us,” I loved was no longer something that could happen. But, I couldn’t seem to let go of my love for him. There were days when I couldn’t shrug the feeling off, and I would be weak because of that. I was more mad at myself because I was letting someone else and my feelings get the best of me. I really admire the people who can just let it go with a snap of a finger. Due to the fact that I’m a sniveling sentimental and emotional person, it takes me longer than a snap of a finger to shrug it all off. What did I do? I finally made sure we had a clean break. In the end, I found myself starting to be okay, again. Little did I know, I would find myself in the middle of another test.
What do you do when you constantly hear rumors of your ex getting back on the dating horse? Of course, it breaks your heart. I know mine broke again for the nth time. I’m not proud of it, but it threw me off of my healing path. It had to stop. I was back again to an emotional state, which of course, did not do me good. It had to take a cousin of mine to get mad and tell me straight out that this is stupidity all over again. Just be happy for the ex; fix and love myself; and then move on.
Tried that, succeeded and chanced upon some honest to goodness realizations while I was in it. Now darlings, that wasn’t the end of it. Who would’ve guessed, a large bomb was suddenly dropped on me this past week. The ex has found somewhat what he has been looking for. According to him, it’s me that he wants and needs to have by his side from now until God knows when. Now, he’s back. No, we’re not together. He’s just there.. proving and showing that he’s serious about this and really sees me in his future.
I know I should be happy, heck, my wish came true. Surprisingly, I’m not jumping on to that particular bandwagon. I’m watching from afar, debating with my mind and heart whether I should go on or not. One thing I am sure of is, I’m putting myself first in everything.
Now, it would’ve been nice if this was all about just love. Mother Change is not making it easy for me. Professionally and physically, I was given a couple of changes. Somehow, everything just piled up. I lost track of time, myself, and friends.
Through all of this, I sincerely do believe and understand now that God has reasons that we could not and cannot even define or understand. Changes are tests, or examinations of our own self. Change is scary most of the time, however, change makes us stronger and better people at the end of the day. Who isn’t scared of changes? I know, I’m scared of it. However, if it’s the cure to being a stronger and more mature person… I say, “Bring It On.”