I know there’s a reason and lesson for everything that happens in your life. I’m just waiting for the time that I actually learn and understand why all of this is happening. I sort of have a clue already, and it helps that I’ve slowly found myself again. During the time with him, I think I lost a bit of myself. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship was not so constricting as the others I’ve been in. However, since we’re so different in personalities, an easygoing person such as myself felt as if I was so tied down in areas I couldn’t even begin to explain. I’m sure he felt the same too.
Then again, when you love someone, you try to make yourself fit the mold that he or she makes for you. You also create your own mold for them to fit in, but after that, you lose yourself and you wonder about who you actually are.
I feel better now. The sad moments go by me so fast–I don’t even realize it. It’s still hard for me to see people happily in love, be in weddings of my friends, watch sappy movies, and eat in places I would’ve eaten with him. I’m still dreading events that I’ve shared with him (i.e. birthdays) and every time I see things that he’s given me, it never fails to hurt me a little. I’m letting go of the material things that remind me of him everyday… They are just material things right? If I don’t, I think it might just stop me from actually growing and letting go.
I’m really glad for my friends, they’ve helped me be stronger. I’ve realized I have to stay away from friends who don’t know how to treasure their friendships and only think of themselves. It’s definitely not helping, and it makes me feel worse. I’m still a bit sad, because I’ve considered him as my family, and the fact that I live alone now, makes me feel even lonelier. I get even more irritated when a couple of people who are so insensitive, push it out to my face that they are with him, and I’m not. *Shrugs* Every time I feel that, I just tell myself to just deal with it. I guess I’m sad also, because I felt that even some of his friends that I’ve known for quite sometime act as if we were never friends, and that we never had anything to do with each other. Oh well. That’s why I guess they’re, “his friends.”
I still don’t know what I’ll do for my birthday… I’m not really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to my Bora trip with the Beebabes… However, it’s seriously making things hard for my pocket because I just came back from another trip and I’m still trying to catch up with that. Nevertheless, seeing the beach again will make things better for my heart.
There are people who ask if I’m ready for dating, the answer is still no. I still don’t want to date, and I’m not even ready for that. He was a great love, and forgetting that isn’t even easy. I am though looking forward to new things, and experiences… maybe this time everything will be so much better.