Day 59. Let’s try one more time.

A month has passed by without me writing about anything here. I had to take a break.

The past month has been a trial for me. Who am I kidding? We’ve all gone through breakups–it’s no easy feat. I was busy making myself busy, didn’t even stop to breathe, and just when there was absolutely nothing planned, I broke down into pieces.

So I took the month off from writing, saw my friends, and even saw him. I did a bit of soul-searching, which affected a lot of things, but I guess I’m glad I went through it all. I saw more of my family, friends, and did a lot stuff for my house. I did have those days when I didn’t want to move at all, just wanted to stare at a blank wall and cry. Those days were the hardest for me. It seemed as if I couldn’t stop crying, and everything I’d do was cry. I guess what was harder for me was, I never thought that I’d go through this pain again. Lo and behold, there I was feeling the same thing again.

It’s easier to wake up now, to go through each day as if nothing happened. I’m starting to stop talking about him, or what we were before; and I’m finally able to start thinking of other things that would make me happy. It feels good when I realize that he’s no longer my first thought to everything. It’s definitely a work in progress…

I absolutely hate the days when I feel like my heart is so heavy, and I end up missing him so much. It doesn’t help when I get frustrated as well, when certain people would try to force me to forget and do things I don’t even want to do. It’s not that easy to move on. He was my life for 3 years and a couple of months. You can’t expect me to act as if nothing happened and to move on with just a snap of a finger.

It hurts though, knowing that he’s moved on completely and it’s as if I was never a part of his life. I wish it was that easy for me.

In a way, I’m happy that because of this, I was able to rekindle old friendships, and have new friends. I’m happy that I’m not as bitter as one would expect and that, I don’t have a hate relationship with him.

I’m happy that I have friends who are going through the same thing that I am– it helps knowing that I’m not alone, and that I can cry with someone who feels like crying over someone as well. It helps to know that I’m not as weak as I thought I was.

People ask if there would ever be a chance of us getting back together again.. My answer to that is the usual cliché, if it’s meant to be, then we will be with each other again. If it’s not, then *shrugs* someone out there is definitely meant for me. I may not be ready now, but in time, I will be.

Much love goes out to my mom, who goes online everyday, and makes sure that I’m okay.. This has definitely made our relationship stronger… I can’t ask for a better mom. She’s more than enough for me. 🙂

I’m grateful for the Lord, for being my strength, giving me courage through this hard time.

I don’t know if I’ll continue writing every day, or every other day… I’ll just write when I can, without forcing myself to.. It’s easier that way.

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